Just Like That...

A Memorial Day to Remember…  27 May 2013

Dave and I joined our son John’s family in visiting family grave sites for Dave’s dad, his mom and grandparents. We had a nice time thinking about his ancestors, looking at photos Dave brought, telling interesting facts about them, and appreciating the time we have together, and taking some pictures. We especially enjoyed a man in a Scottish kilt playing the bagpipes at the cemetery.  

On the way home, we were going to visit Home Depot to get the rest of the things we need for our planned garden… We were feeling the urgency to beat the season and get things in the ground as soon as possible to make sure we get the longest growing time. We also have the new challenge of sharing our yard with a herd of a dozen deer and about 60 quail. Our desires to be self-sufficient and produce food from the land is strong enough to prompt dramatic effort for this cause.

Before we could begin, however, we got a text from Shelley Noh, our niece. Dave’s sister, Toni, had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks after a particularly serious attack with the last stages of COPD lung disease, emphysema, bronchitis and pneumonia. The word was that she had a very bad night and would most likely not make it through the day.

At this, we threw everything we thought we might need into the back of the van, drove around to find somewhere to exchange our winter tires for our regular tires, (Wal-Mart was the only place we could find that was open on the holiday). We were able to finally start the 13 hour drive at 2 in the afternoon. We began texting and calling Dave’s siblings, his step-mother Francine, and our children.

The reports were coming in that she would not make it for 4 more hours… We kept driving. Of all the siblings, Dave was the closest to her, and he was on his way!

We arrived there at 3:30am the next morning to find Tammy and Francine there waiting and watching. Shelley and the girls were in the other room trying to get some much-needed sleep. The last weeks were very long for all of them. Dave gave his sister a blessing of release. I fully expected her to go during the blessing. It was beautiful. I recorded it and will transcribe it once we get home. He stroked his sister’s hair and prayed for her to return to her Father in Heaven.

Then, Tammy curled up on the ataman. Not long after she was sound asleep, Francine asked me if I would stand watch for any change and curled up next to her. It was about 4:30am. Francine had promised Shelley that we would not let Toni go without her being there. Dave sat in a chair dozing in and out of consciousness, exhausted after the long drive. I vowed to stay awake.

I counted the seconds between each labored breath… 20 – 30 – or 40 seconds… then another gasp. So, I began again and again with each breath. If she began a pattern of 40 seconds each time, I would have awakened everyone, but the average was 30 seconds.

I could sense someone from the other side of the veil visiting her occasionally. Offering support and then leaving for a while again and again. She was heavily sedated with Morphine, so she was not in any more pain, but the dynamic gasping for air was difficult to witness.

This continued until about 7am. People began to wake up and she was the same. The nurse said sometimes people continue like this for days, so Tammy left to take a shower at the hotel, and Dave left to make a phone call. I smelled what I thought was urine and asked the orderly to change the absorbent pad under her. He said it was plasma… and that this was a common sign that the body is shutting down. The plasma makes its way past the cells as membranes are breaking down.

At this time, I sent out a text asking the kids to pray for Toni’s release.

Shelley joined Francine and me and we noticed that her breathing seemed more regular. It wasn’t labored, but it was very rumbly with liquid. We asked the nurse’s aide to suction it out, but before she arrived to do so, it bubbled out of her mouth like the foam of a root beer float. It was a shocking sight. Shelley turned to me and I held her as the nurse’s aide cleaned Toni’s mouth.

The nurse came in and forcefully said, “She’s dying RIGHT NOW! You take your mother’s hand and say your goodbyes! She’s dying RIGHT NOW!” I quickly texted Tammy and Dave to get back to the room ASAP. Shelley took her mother’s hand and we watched her take a very small gasp… then she was gone. The feeling I sensed was one of relief and release that filled the room instantly.

I had never witnessed the passing of a soul before. It was a singularly poignant honor for me; beautiful and sobering.

The following week was a blur of preparations, decisions, tears, cousin-time, photo shoots, family politics, hurt feelings, and efforts to help comfort those that stand in need of comfort.

Shelley scanned a bunch of photos she found; Tammy and Dorothy sent me pictures; and I put together a little slideshow. Amy and I downloaded some of Toni’s favorite music, then Amy created a CD of these songs to play in the background before and after the service. Amy and Shelley’s children made posters for a display. Tammy typed up the program and chose pictures for use in that handout. She and Dorothy came up with the idea of handing out bright flowers tied with a tie tyed ribbon for all the guests. We decided to buy tie dyed clothes to honor Toni’s love for the 60’s. We went to Costco to choose platters of food for a reception after the service, and also found some great flowers. Nici joined us in our errands of angels as we purchased needed supplies for the celebration of Toni’s life.

When we were in the funeral home, discussing the order and components of the service, Tammy introduced the idea of using Toni’s grandchildren as pall-bearers. I felt Toni’s presence behind my right shoulder expressing great pleasure at that idea. She loved it. Nici said felt Toni’s presence with Doug briefly as she was driving to the airport.

The day Toni passed was the day before what would have been their 41^st anniversary. When Doug died of a heart attack 2 ½ years ago, Toni never recovered. Her devastation was complete. She had stage 4 emphysema, but chose to start smoking again.

Dorothy said that her sister didn’t die of lung disease, she died of a broken heart. I think that’s about right.

Francine had to return home for a couple of surgeries of her own, but was able to postpone them in order to return with her son Joseph for the funeral. We asked Francine to read a life sketch. I was able to write it based upon the great stories I was hearing about Toni as we were looking at pictures and the items around her house where we were staying. She was able to add some beautiful personal notes about how Toni welcomed her into the family, and Toni’s giggly laugh. Toni welcomed me into the family almost 9 years ago as well. We especially became close when Doug died, and Dave, Dorothy and I were there helping her sort things out and make preparations. She was very kind to me.

We had Joseph sing a song… he chose “She’s Got a Way” by Lionel Richie. He changed the words of the last verse to fit Toni… It was emotional, moving, and beautiful.

Nici spoke a little bit about Toni as a young girl. She told the story we all wanted to hear… how did Toni get her name? Diana Lee was born with dark hair, dark eyes, and olive complexion. Her grandmother had chosen the name of Diana Lee, but her mother didn’t like that name. She said that her daughter looked like a little Italian Antonio… and “Toni” stuck from that day on.

Shelley spoke briefly about how much Toni loved Doug, and dedicated the song, “Goodbye” by Lionel Richie to their memory.

Dave was conducting, and as usual, he was able to bring a fun, yet sacred feeling to the service. Amy’s husband, Andy, offered a beautiful family prayer before the closing of the casket, and Tammy’s husband, Ken, offered the dedication of the crypt. (I recorded these prayers and will transcribe them as well.)

It was wonderful that so many people could come to pay their respects and offer condolences. It was a difficult time for everyone… we all feel a tremendous loss. At the same time, we feel great relief for her emotional and physical suffering that is now ended for our dear Toni. It was nice to see family members, to create memories and rebuild relationships. We spent much time at the beach. We rode on ferries. We walked to a nearby lighthouse. We chased seagulls. We built sand castles. We watched the sunset and the sailboat races. We renewed our spirits with each pulsing wave of the ocean. We dug our toes deep within the sands of the seashore. We played football and tag. We roasted marshmallows and made s’mores. We embraced each other, we laughed, and we cried.

So, we’re all heading back to our various homes in Virginia, California, Utah, Washington, Oregon, Texas, and Florida. Back to our daily lives that must go forward… even without Toni. It doesn’t seem fair when our lives have been forever changed.

Back to work, to our own projects, plans and problems. But we do so with a pensive heart… one that looks at our loved ones with a renewed sense of appreciation for the moments we share together in this life… and an increased sense of how quickly time flies… We need to be kind to each other and cherish this mortal time together.

 It was great that some of our children could make it for the funeral, and to support Dave.

 Tie Dyed was to celebrate how Toni was a child of the 60's. 

This is not the end… for there is no end… only new beginnings.